Dear Christians,
I, the prince of darkness and all that is truly evil and not that nice, have read your measly little flyer and must say that you are vary sadly mis-informed.
Here is my weekly schedule so you can re-write your flyer appropriately.
Sunday: I take all my enslaved lost souls out to the dark mass every Sunday on the sulfur hill in a little black building where the air conditioning is quite bad, the lights insufficient and flickering, and the sermon is always boring and no one in our whole choir can sing. All who fall asleep are promptly bonked on the head by my scepter. Then we all proceed to the annex for refreshments (Sundaes of course!) and friendly gossip.
Monday: Rugby day! I gather up all the damned souls to play this very entertaining sport. It's hard to torment souls that are unhealthy and not in tiptop condition. Well play all day with short breaks for towels, Gatorade and oatmeal cookies.
Tuesday: Bingo Night! I became obsessed with the game in recent years after watching you "churched ones" play it on earth to make extra cash off the elderly. Very clever and hey.... Old slew-foot the lucky I may be but everybody can use some extra cash right? I mean it takes a lot of money to rent this space from God and pay all those fiery furnace bills.... Cut me some slack!
Wednesday: Pin the tail on the pope day! We have huge posters of Popes thru the ages down here including Pope Leo, and I get my demons to spin the lost souls as violently as they can to stir up the blindfolded tail pinners. The refreshments are beer and pretzels cause the drunker the players, the funnier the game play. God I just looooove Wensdays! Long live the Pope!
Thursday is infomercial day. All the lost souls are gathered together in droves to watch the most boring commercials ever made. We have lots of popcorn to snack on and tons of coffee...intravenously of course! For the tough ones, I have my demons masking tape them to their seats while I prop their eyes open with matchsticks. I love it when the lost souls moan, groan, snore, and drool.
Friday: Visitors day! Some commotion on this day of the week! Friends from Heaven come down to Heck to visit loved ones....Only it's Just Jesus, that Holy Spirit fellow, God and all his angels. Me and God even get together to play chess and exchange stories, events, jokes, and complaints about how work is going. It's a fun day for all and some of the lost souls even re-decorate the halls with streamers and balloons for the occasion. Ex-lax brownies are optional of course! Now if only there was a way to stop that darned Michael fellow from showing up. Man he gets my goat....Ah, no pun intended.
Saturday: We have a huge rock concert! Jim Morrison, Bob Marly, Hendrix, and our newbie Kurt Kobain play it up for the damned here every Saturday....Then I make the damned clean up the whole bloody mess afterwards. They need to learn a little respect! Always leave a place as good as when you got there or better as the girlscouts and boyscouts always say! And man! I just love those badges and cookies....and smores! Yum!
Well, I hope this clears things up for you Christians up on the surface. Have a nice day and remember I'll be seeing you. What? Surprised? Hey now, you can't fool old Lucifer or my employer God. We both can see everything you guys do down there. The drinking, the drugs, the sloth, the soliciting, the bad b-movies, the masturbation, the lovers you have other than your spouses, the boogers you pick when you think nobody was looking, the things you curse in traffic. Well God and I saw it buddy and only Jesus has passed the test so far. Sorry! Oh, and Gandhi came close, just for the record.
Later, see you on Bingo night.
Your Beloved Satan